My endorphins for some reason are on the rise.

Below is my new office window, twice the size as it was before; and my new Verilux, which is a SAD*-alleviating light source put out by a company in Waitsfield VT. My neurologist recommended it. So far it’s 100% effective!

And OMG just look at the pretty fall picture outside those windows. I like to think of my widows as picture frames. Lots of people would pay money for pictures like that.

* Seasonal Affective Disorder

This barn was full of 184 bales of hay; they were all transported from the wagon into the barn, and then from the barn up into the hayloft, by the two of us, this weekend.

I need to quit Facebook and I need to quit the news. I MEAN IT.

I asked my friends, if any of them started talking about the debate, to please not talk to me about it. And of course they obliged. But when I tried to look at my FB feed that’s all it was! It’s all national politics. I wish there were no such thing as cross-posting. If everyone had to think up their own things whenever they wanted to share, there’d be so much less talk about anything.

National politics is a dumb game. I don’t care if I’m called a coward or willfully ignorant. It’s such a stupid shitshow. How little of it actually trickles down to affect our lives? I’m not saying I won’t vote. I’m saying I’m not tuning into the soap opera.

And I know the fault’s with me. I look at FB or the news telling myself I won’t read anything about Trumpass, but I do. I realize it’s an addiction. That’s why I’m trying to hold myself accountable here.

My display this year is set up in the mudroom, whence I will be participating in the Virtual Fair.

I’m not going to wear the Party Goat shirt, though.

Me doing nothing on my screen porch this morning:

And my entire carrot crop:

I feel like today was god’s way of telling me, “I got your back.”

The absolutely unbelievably idyllic setting would be reason enough.

But I need. I want. I am drawn. I want to work those looms.

I’m feeling some eerie parallels with the Hard Times I experienced from 2012 – 2015.

• Then: While my father was dying, I felt stuck in suspended animation, unable to truly enjoy much of anything, seriously afraid I’d run out of money. Practically speaking I felt unable to leave New England or the tri-state area, afraid what would happen if I did, sure that if I traveled far, THAT would be the trigger.
• Now: Once again, thanx COVID, I can’t travel. I’m afraid to leave New England or go anywhere on an overnight.

• Then: I started getting mouth pain. It wasn’t the most excruciating pain in the world, but it was constant, unless you count seconds or minutes where it would be gone and it would be like suddenly noticing silence; and you’d be like, “Hey, I feel pretty good, could it finally be…” nope.
• And it was impervious to anything – with one strange exception, which was gum chewing. But gum would get tasteless, my jaw would get tired, and you can’t chew while you’re trying to fall asleep. Nothing else helped. No medicine, no position, not hot water or cold, not pressure or relaxation, it would just always there, there, there,
• Now: I’ve got these headaches. They’re in my sinus areas; but I don’t have any stuffy or runny nose, just headaches. They aren’t excruciating, they’re just constant. (I haven’t tried gum.) Except for some seconds or minutes where I notice they are gone, and I’m like, “Hey, this feels pretty good…” then whoomp. They’re impervious to anything. Sometimes my old pal the mouth pain comes along with them.
• None of it usually keeps me from sleeping. But gaining consciousness is a strange feeling. I slowly wake up, and there’s no pain at first, but there comes a consciousness threshold where the pain all kicks in again. Sigh, a nice welcome back to reality.

• Then: My marriage was in its worst shape ever for a while there. It was, until now, hard to remember exactly how haywire it was; but I was miserable, and it was like X was just a mirror of me. We were unhappy and angry with each other all the time. I started to wonder why the hell we were together.
• Now: X and I blew up at each other last night. Now I remember what that period was like. I’m so unhappy, there’s a weight on me, I cannot be happy with him, and he is not the type that can rise to the occasion and carry us forward when I’m down – far from it.

I’m just seeing these parallels and I’m scared.

Can knowledge & hindsight & wisdom & self-awareness save me from going There again?

Been down one time,

Been down two times,

Never going back again

As usually happens sooner or later, the goats discovered the other day that they had a magnificent, huge, tasty pumpkin patch growing right in their own backyard.

They started chomping down on my best one (foreground above), the very day after I said to myself “I should harvest that one this weekend.” So I saved the next two best ones, even though they were still very pale. Here’s the big ‘un:

I’ve pretty much stopped reading national news except for science news. I just look at nature and remember what’s real.

Yesterday’s adventure took us to Duxbury, Waitsfield, Moretown, & Fayston, four new towns to capture for my VT251 challenge.  Shout-outs to the adorable Singing Spindle in Duxbury; Mad River Fiber Arts & Mill, and Collaborative Brewing Co.