It’s six o’clock, I enter the kitchen and take out the recipe for black-eyed peas I had printed out – the source was “Forks Over Knives,” a vegetable-forward publication. I begin slavishly following the directions because that’s how I roll. I find myself spooning tomato paste and other ingredients into a pot of water and dried black-eyed peas that have soaked since last night. Then I realize… tomato paste? You’re not supposed to try to cook dried beans with tomatoes or anything acid!!! They won’t cook!!! Those IDIOTS. Now look what I’ve done.
I let them cook for an hour, finding other stupidities throughout the recipe as I looked harder. Why is there only salt at the end!? What fat am I supposed to “grill” these onions & mushrooms in, anything!? Etc.
The beans did pretty much cook, though they certainly weren’t creamy. I took it upon myself to salt and spice everything in sight and add butter to the onion/mushroom thing.
No more stupid recipes! Don’t I know how to cook by now?!