August 1990

8/2/90 (age 21)

“perhaps if cody took a very short vacation i could get back in order better. he’s distracting. well if i start going to school we’re going to be together much less. it’s amazing how i can’t stay upset at him (unless he’s asleep). i can’t help but (heart) him. if someday i find a decidedly anti-sexist attractive appealing male w/intelligence will my (heart) for cody fade. my need for him probably will. it (heart) will probably go the way of whatever that feeling was i had for he-whom-i’d-care-to-forget. but now is now.”

Forward Leaning Thinking, People!!

I won an award. I won two awards.

“Chris, thank you for being an amazing technical lead. You have mentored all the new team members and keep the older ones in line. … Your leadership and knowledge have helped this team grow immensely. Lourdes and I are very much thankful for your contributions, leadership, and forward leaning thinking!”

and a small one, arguably more meaningful, as it was from a peer:

“Thank you for ALL your support and guidance. Really appreciate it !!!”

It is one (two) of those awards I get to shop for. I am feeling jewelry again this time.

October 1989

10/25/89 (age 20)

“A) now you may note that i stupidly left out the highest priority, scheduled activities, which includes everything documented on the Class Schedule & the Snoopy Calendar. let’s talk about how to conduct yourself at some of these activities.”

eek, let’s not, 20-year-old me, what are you over-thinking!

Book Corner 2023.57

Hild

by Nicola Griffith

Hard to follow. But an impressive piece of work. Felt very true to 7th century. The only anachronism that jumped out at me was mention of a ‘mosquito’ (preferable would have been ‘midge’ or ‘gnat’). The concept of “gemaecce”, two women in a formalized friendship, had me searching the internet, and led me to the author’s blog. Her tiny author bio, and the book’s appendix, had already given a glimpse of her personality and voice – she seems super fun and clever.

July 1988 (got out of order)

7/18/88 (about to turn 19)

“well i’m back & i wonder how i’m going to cope – i almost said with this day, but i have to remember not to think in terms of days. how to cope till wednesday, how to cope with this moment. this morning’s therapy did nothing. well right now things are bad & your mind is not thrilled. it’s officially noon! i need some sugarless peppermint bubble yum real bad but i don’t have any. when your mind is not thrilled you’ve got to go on anyway. do what you believe right. relief is in sight!”

April 1989

4/3/89 (age 19 1/2)

“there was a powerful flaming 4th-dimensional wind pummeling through space on an infinite inter-galactic voyage. it roared between & among the stars & through orbits & around planets & moons. it plunged through suns & skimmed celestial surfaces.”

This was the beginning of an extremely 19-year-old-wrote-this story I wrote.

April 1987

Will open each of my journals, in chronological order, to the middle page.

Will post the first entry.

4/18/87 – age 17.5

“therapy time. calm down. whatever needs be done needs be done. spiritual development. be receptively perceptive. take into account everyone close to you. do all you can starting with what you deem most helpful. keep up your self-pride as soon as you find your direction.”

Or two.

4/19/87

“concerning simplicity & practical physical matters

simplicity is something you always seem to be yearning for. well babe you’ve got it, if you want it. you know exactly everything & how it should be.”

If that’s not a 17-year-old talking I don’t know what is.

Tea & Sympathy

Dwight Garner quoting George Orwell, with three important rules for tea. “I maintain that one strong cup of tea is better than twenty weak ones.” “The water should be actually boiling at the moment of impact.” “Try drinking tea without sugar for, say, a fortnight and it is very unlikely that you will ever want to ruin your tea by sweetening it again.”

‘Twere I to try to live my life over again in a different way, my current life would seep in anyway, until I found myself at the very same spot in which I find myself now.

My life travels downhill like a river finding the easiest course.

On either side are all the infinite alternative paths it did not take.

There are infinitely many better and infinitely many worse.

This one is right down the middle.