12/02/92 (age 23)

“when i get upset like this perhaps i would do well to reexamine my life with regard to its meaning or lack thereof. do you not believe life has no meaning outside itself? what is the meaning of my life? is my life its own meaning? is my life positive?”

At least it’s not ken ken ken ken ken ken like I was fearing.

5/26/92 (age 22 going on 23)

“chris, why are you pulverizing yourself? kenneth is not hurting you & society is not hurting you. you are effectively taking a rock & smashing it over your head. does it matter whose ____ kenneth is ____? does it matter what the new york times is stating about the female sex? frankly chris nothing at all matters, certainly not you.”

yeah, these are the ken-heavy times.

12/1/91 (age 22)

“all i have to do is begin talking to arthur about kenneth and it all falls into place.”

What a nutjob I was. Still waiting for the “development” I hoped to see reading year by year…

6/11/91 (very nearly 22)

“that song is the most emotional song i’ve heard in a long time, maybe the most personally touching song i’ve ever heard. it’s SO beautiful. listening to it i thought about arthur, but then i though about playing it for margaret & thought maybe she used to feel that way about ken. wow. i didn’t feel any jealousy, just massive empathy.”

AUUUUUGH I have no idea what song I was talking about!!!

Music was really important to me back then.

4/2/91 (age 21 going on 22)

“dynamics – the moment is all that matters. my past was created by my past thoughts; my future is in my own hands being created now. but only the moment matters. relationships only exist in the moment. my past is only an example of what i am capable of.”

1/16/91 (age 21 1/2)

It gets a bit challenging now for many years as I began writing backwards.

“i love myself enough to surround myself with beauty! i’m really getting into this aesthetic-decorating-beauty-sensuous thing! what fun.”

8/2/90 (age 21)

“perhaps if cody took a very short vacation i could get back in order better. he’s distracting. well if i start going to school we’re going to be together much less. it’s amazing how i can’t stay upset at him (unless he’s asleep). i can’t help but (heart) him. if someday i find a decidedly anti-sexist attractive appealing male w/intelligence will my (heart) for cody fade. my need for him probably will. it (heart) will probably go the way of whatever that feeling was i had for he-whom-i’d-care-to-forget. but now is now.”

10/25/89 (age 20)

“A) now you may note that i stupidly left out the highest priority, scheduled activities, which includes everything documented on the Class Schedule & the Snoopy Calendar. let’s talk about how to conduct yourself at some of these activities.”

eek, let’s not, 20-year-old me, what are you over-thinking!

7/18/88 (about to turn 19)

“well i’m back & i wonder how i’m going to cope – i almost said with this day, but i have to remember not to think in terms of days. how to cope till wednesday, how to cope with this moment. this morning’s therapy did nothing. well right now things are bad & your mind is not thrilled. it’s officially noon! i need some sugarless peppermint bubble yum real bad but i don’t have any. when your mind is not thrilled you’ve got to go on anyway. do what you believe right. relief is in sight!”

4/3/89 (age 19 1/2)

“there was a powerful flaming 4th-dimensional wind pummeling through space on an infinite inter-galactic voyage. it roared between & among the stars & through orbits & around planets & moons. it plunged through suns & skimmed celestial surfaces.”

This was the beginning of an extremely 19-year-old-wrote-this story I wrote.