3/12/00 (age 30 1/2)

“i did it! now if i take one time [sic, seems it should have been ‘item’] per year i’ve got projects to last the rest of my life. i think i should work top down. this year i could do fitness. 2000 will be different from the preceding years by virtue of fitness. i’ll lighten my meals & exercise everyday. i’ll lose weight & shape up.”

Nooooooooooooooo it’s a trap!!!

I find myself inside of a lengthy “clip show” walk down memory lane for a January 1998 New Year post.

1/19/98 (age 28 1/2)

“1996 – i was starting to feel a distinct & strange change of heart on the subject of living together. xopher & i spent plenty of nights together, probably most. between that & occasionally spending the night on pita’s couch – i think i was still doing at this time – it was rare that i’d wake up alone in my own bed. i did relish those alone times & still miss them sometimes – but overall, i wanted to be spending my time with him (or I wouldn’t have been doing it so often).”

I only vaguely remember sleeping on Pita’s couch.

Ah youth.

Zipping along now – less journal writing means quicker jumps through time.

7/11/94 (about to turn 25)

“i do have these strange anxious feelings about work of unknown origin. they aren’t rational & serve no purpose & may be detrimental. i would like them to go away. but i shouldn’t just supress [sic – hey, cut me some slack, I was writing sdrawkcab] them or try in any active way to stop having them. they need to be acknowledged.”

I’m sorry, this journal was out of order. We’re not out of the Kenwoods yet.

9/7/91 (age 22)

“yes indeedy i feel good. i was worried there for a while. as fas as ken goes (& he goes pretty far) everything’s perfect.”

I think he dumped me (for the first time) before the month was out? Hard to tell, the backwards entries are so hard to read.

12/02/92 (age 23)

“when i get upset like this perhaps i would do well to reexamine my life with regard to its meaning or lack thereof. do you not believe life has no meaning outside itself? what is the meaning of my life? is my life its own meaning? is my life positive?”

At least it’s not ken ken ken ken ken ken like I was fearing.

5/26/92 (age 22 going on 23)

“chris, why are you pulverizing yourself? kenneth is not hurting you & society is not hurting you. you are effectively taking a rock & smashing it over your head. does it matter whose ____ kenneth is ____? does it matter what the new york times is stating about the female sex? frankly chris nothing at all matters, certainly not you.”

yeah, these are the ken-heavy times.

12/1/91 (age 22)

“all i have to do is begin talking to arthur about kenneth and it all falls into place.”

What a nutjob I was. Still waiting for the “development” I hoped to see reading year by year…

6/11/91 (very nearly 22)

“that song is the most emotional song i’ve heard in a long time, maybe the most personally touching song i’ve ever heard. it’s SO beautiful. listening to it i thought about arthur, but then i though about playing it for margaret & thought maybe she used to feel that way about ken. wow. i didn’t feel any jealousy, just massive empathy.”

AUUUUUGH I have no idea what song I was talking about!!!

Music was really important to me back then.

4/2/91 (age 21 going on 22)

“dynamics – the moment is all that matters. my past was created by my past thoughts; my future is in my own hands being created now. but only the moment matters. relationships only exist in the moment. my past is only an example of what i am capable of.”